Judging whether someone is interested: focus on actions, not “signals” — who initiates, plans, and follows up

3. Judging whether someone is interested: focus on actions, not “signals” — who initiates, plans, and follows up

Cost: This requires no money or much time. The real challenge is breaking old habits: stop trying to interpret facial expressions and tone, and instead record observable behaviors.

In plain terms: In one study, 52 pairs of strangers of opposite genders chatted for about 10 minutes, then tried to determine whether each other was flirting. The results showed they were fairly accurate at spotting when no flirting was occurring, but struggled to identify actual flirting. A second experiment using video evaluations reached the same conclusion. Therefore, rather than guessing based on expressions or tone, pay attention to actions: who initiates contact, who schedules future meetings, and whether they follow up when you don’t make the first move.

Benefit: Two studies examined how accurately people can recognize flirting. The first involved 52 unrelated male-female pairs conversing for 10–12 minutes; afterward, each participant reported whether they themselves were flirting and whether they believed their partner was. The results indicated that interactions without any flirting were identified more reliably, while those involving actual flirting were harder to detect. The second study used 26 one-minute video clips and 261 observers, yielding similar findings. In short, people can fairly reliably tell when someone is not flirting, but they struggle to detect when flirting is happening.

Evidence grade: B

Sources: Hall JA, Xing C, Brooks S (2015). Accurately detecting flirting: error management theory, the traditional sexual script, and flirting base rate. Communication Research, 42(7), 939-958. <https://doi.org/10.1177/0093650214534972>; Perilloux C, Kurzban R (2015). Do men overperceive women's sexual interest? Psychological Science, 26(1), 70-77. <https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797614555727> (Disputing Party)

Notes: This topic remains debated. Some research suggests the issue isn’t that men overestimate women’s sexual intentions, but that women tend to underreport their own intentions on surveys. There is still no consensus on which group judges more accurately. Nevertheless, both viewpoints agree on one point: relying on subtle cues such as facial expressions or tone to infer someone’s thoughts yields poor results. Observable behaviors — such as who initiates contact, plans future meetings, and follows up without prompting — are far more reliable indicators.