HowToLiveWorse

CHAPTER 10 · 20 SOURCE ENTRIES

The Economics of Dating and Marriage

恋爱和结婚划不划算

[← 回总目录](../README.md) 本节把「结婚划不划算」拆成钱、时间、健康、法律风险和关系质量几笔账，分开算。每笔账只用能查到出处的数字，出处限于官方统计，或者荟萃分析（把多项研究的数据汇总起来重算一遍）。这里不做道德判断，也不替你下结论。健康那几笔按死亡风险算，时间那几笔按每天多少分钟算，法律那几笔按法条怎么写算。这三种算法之间不互相换算。拆账方法、填空清单和常见误区见 [docs/结婚划不划算.md](../docs/结婚划不划算.md)。 本节条目按主题分成下面几块，括号里是条号。 **找对象和谈恋爱**：认识更多人（第 1 条），对方拒绝之后就停下（第 2 条），看行为判断

Open this pinned source chapter ↗
10-001
Evidence Atime-energy

Getting to know more people rather than fixating on just one: You can’t predict compatibility before meeting someone

认识更多人，而不是死磕一个：两个人合不合得来，见面之前预测不出来

Two speed-dating studies asked participants to fill out over 100 questionnaires about their preferences in a partner before any meetings took place. These questionnaires could only reveal how likely someone is to like others in general, and how popular they tend to be — they couldn’t predict whether two specific people would hit it off. Compatibility can only be determined by meeting in person. Therefore, it’s far more worthwhile to get to know multiple people than to bet everything on just one.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Getting to know more people rather than fixating on just one: You can’t predict compatibility before meeting someone” to Future Me's calendar

The routine already works until the day the source says it may not.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-002
Evidence AfreedomSource-sensitive

Stop after a clear refusal — continued pursuit is a public order violation, not “sincerity”

对方明确拒绝之后就停下，继续纠缠是治安违法，不是「诚意」

If someone has clearly refused you, and you still send messages or wait for them, as of January 2026 this constitutes a violation of public order laws. Offenders may be detained for up to 5 days or fined up to 1000 yuan. For more serious cases, detention ranges from 5 to 10 days. Police can also issue orders barring the offender from contacting the other person; any violation of such orders results in an additional 5–10 days of detention.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Stop after a clear refusal — continued pursuit is a public order violation, not “sincerity”” to Future Me's calendar

There is no immediate alarm, so the sensible choice can wait for a less busy week.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-003
Evidence Btime-energy

Judging whether someone is interested: focus on actions, not “signals” — who initiates, plans, and follows up

判断对方有没有兴趣，看行为不看「信号」：谁主动、谁安排、谁跟进

In one study, 52 pairs of strangers of opposite genders chatted for about 10 minutes, then tried to determine whether each other was flirting. The results showed they were fairly accurate at spotting when no flirting was occurring, but struggled to identify actual flirting. A second experiment using video evaluations reached the same conclusion. Therefore, rather than guessing based on expressions or tone, pay attention to actions: who initiates contact, who schedules future meetings, and whether they follow up when you don’t make the first move.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Judging whether someone is interested: focus on actions, not “signals” — who initiates, plans, and follows up” to Future Me's calendar

Future Me has a clearer calendar, more patience, and apparently the same responsibilities.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-004
Evidence Atime-energy

Whether a relationship is good or not depends mainly on how you feel within it, not on your partner’s attributes.

关系好不好，主要看你自己在这段关系里的感受，不是看对方条件

The best indicator of a healthy relationship is your own feelings toward it, not your partner’s qualifications. For instance, whether you perceive your partner as attentive and appreciative of you, or how often you argue. Your personal feelings carry two to four times more weight than what your partner says about the relationship. However, no questionnaire can reliably predict whether the relationship will improve or deteriorate over time.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Whether a relationship is good or not depends mainly on how you feel within it, not on your partner’s attributes.” to Future Me's calendar

If I do not open the notes, no new task has technically appeared.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-005
Evidence Btime-energy

To build closeness, have two people take turns answering a series of progressively deeper questions — no script needed

想拉近距离就轮流回答一组由浅入深的问题，别学话术

Pair two strangers up and have them take turns answering 36 questions grouped into three levels of depth. After 45 minutes, their sense of closeness is noticeably higher than in a control group that simply chatted for the same amount of time. What drives this effect is the act of taking turns to share honest thoughts at increasing levels of depth, not any pre-planned conversational script. Keep in mind this measure only captures short-term closeness, and does not guarantee the development of a long-term relationship.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “To build closeness, have two people take turns answering a series of progressively deeper questions — no script needed” to Future Me's calendar

One more exception feels free because the bill arrives outside the current scene.

Today I keep a few minutes and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-006
Evidence Btime-energy

Long-distance relationships aren’t worse than local ones — the real challenge comes in the first three months after moving in together

异地不比同城差，真正的坎是搬到一起之后的头三个月

Long-distance relationships actually tend to be more stable while the couple remains apart, since seeing each other infrequently allows each person to idealize the other. The real difficulty emerges only after they move in together. Data shows that roughly half of long-distance couples eventually transition to living locally, while the other half end their relationship while still apart. Among those who reunite, one-third break up within three months of moving together.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Long-distance relationships aren’t worse than local ones — the real challenge comes in the first three months after moving in together” to Future Me's calendar

I can spend longer deciding whether to start than the small action would take.

Today I keep a little money, a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-007
Evidence Atime-energy

Check registration statistics before listening to elders: what do “marriage rate” and “divorce rate” actually mean?

先看登记数据再听长辈：结婚率、离婚率各是什么口径

In 2024, 6.106 million couples got married nationwide, a 20.5% drop from the previous year. Meanwhile, 3.513 million divorces were finalized. The oft‑quoted claim that “more than half of marriages end in divorce” comes from dividing these two numbers, yielding roughly 57.5%. The exact figures are 351.3 divorces and 610.6 marriages for that year. However, the two groups of people are not the same, so this figure cannot be interpreted as “half of all marriages end in divorce.” The report also lists a marriage rate of 4.3‰ and a divorce rate of 2.5‰; both use the total population as the denominator, not just married individuals.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Check registration statistics before listening to elders: what do “marriage rate” and “divorce rate” actually mean?” to Future Me's calendar

The routine already works until the day the source says it may not.

Today I keep a few minutes and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-008
Evidence AlifespanSource-sensitive

Accounting for health benefits while adjusting for observational data

把健康收益算进去，但按观察性数据打折

Over a given period, married people have a roughly 12% lower chance of dying compared to unmarried individuals, while those who have never married face a roughly 24% higher risk. However, this merely shows a correlation between marital status and mortality; it does not prove that marriage directly causes longer life. People who are healthier, wealthier, and more socially active are both more likely to marry and more likely to live longer. These statistics are primarily drawn from European and North American populations, so they can only serve as rough benchmarks for China.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Accounting for health benefits while adjusting for observational data” to Future Me's calendar

There is no immediate alarm, so the sensible choice can wait for a less busy week.

Today I keep a few minutes and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-009
Evidence Atime-energy

Discussing labor division before marriage helps clarify unpaid work responsibilities

时间账按「无酬劳动」算，谈清分工再领证

According to the 2024 National Time Use Survey, men spend an average of 1 hour and 52 minutes per day on unpaid activities such as housework and caring for family, while women spend 3 hours and 29 minutes. Since the survey does not break down data by marital status, there are no official figures on how much housework increases after marriage; the gender gap observed can only serve as an upper limit. In reality, couples can negotiate a different division of labor altogether before getting married.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Discussing labor division before marriage helps clarify unpaid work responsibilities” to Future Me's calendar

Future Me has a clearer calendar, more patience, and apparently the same responsibilities.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-010
Evidence AmoneySource-sensitive

First check the default legal rules regarding money and property, then decide whether to make a written agreement

钱账先看法律默认规则，再决定要不要书面约定

Without a written agreement, the law presumes that wages, bonuses, business profits, investment returns, inheritances, and gifts received after marriage belong to both spouses jointly. Only property owned before marriage, or items explicitly designated in a will or gift contract as belonging to one person, remain personal property. Couples may choose to agree in writing that certain assets stay separate; such an agreement becomes legally binding. A spouse who has devoted more time to raising children or caring for elderly relatives may request compensation during divorce proceedings.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “First check the default legal rules regarding money and property, then decide whether to make a written agreement” to Future Me's calendar

If I do not open the notes, no new task has technically appeared.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-011
Evidence AmoneySource-sensitive

When parents pay for a house, they should clearly state whether it’s a loan or a gift at the time of transfer

父母出资买房，在转账的时候就把是借是送写清楚

When parents pay for a house before marriage, the money is generally considered a gift solely to their own child. After marriage, without any written agreement, it’s treated as joint marital property. Starting February 2025, if one set of parents fully funds a house during marriage but the gift agreement doesn’t specify it’s only for their child, a court may award the house to that child upon divorce and decide whether to compensate the other spouse. To treat it as a loan, all terms must be clearly documented and signed on the same day.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “When parents pay for a house, they should clearly state whether it’s a loan or a gift at the time of transfer” to Future Me's calendar

One more exception feels free because the bill arrives outside the current scene.

Today I keep a few minutes and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-012
Evidence AmoneySource-sensitive

Money borrowed by a spouse in a large amount — if you didn’t sign or later acknowledge it, it doesn’t automatically become your debt

配偶一方大额借的钱，你没签字也没追认，不自动变成你的债

Money borrowed by a spouse behind your back generally won’t become your joint debt, provided it clearly exceeds normal household expenses and you neither signed any documents nor later acknowledged the debt. Creditors must prove the money was used for shared household needs or joint business activities. However, if the borrowed funds actually helped purchase a house that both of you now live in or own together, creditors can usually prove it served a shared purpose.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Money borrowed by a spouse in a large amount — if you didn’t sign or later acknowledge it, it doesn’t automatically become your debt” to Future Me's calendar

I can spend longer deciding whether to start than the small action would take.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-013
Evidence AmoneySource-sensitive

Obtaining a marriage certificate requires only an ID card and a signed declaration — no household register needed, no fees, and issuance is immediate.

领证只要身份证加一份签字声明，不用户口簿，不收钱，当场发证

Starting May 2025, getting a marriage certificate requires only two items: your ID card and a signed declaration stating that you have no spouse and share no direct or indirect blood relations within three generations with your partner. There’s no need to bring a household register, nor to go back to one’s place of hukou registration. The registration itself is completely free, and if all conditions are met, the certificate is issued on the spot.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Obtaining a marriage certificate requires only an ID card and a signed declaration — no household register needed, no fees, and issuance is immediate.” to Future Me's calendar

The routine already works until the day the source says it may not.

Today I keep a few minutes and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-014
Evidence BlifespanSource-sensitive

Undergoing a premarital medical exam: if a serious illness is present, it must be disclosed before marriage registration

婚前做一次婚检，有重大疾病必须在登记前如实告诉对方

If a person has a serious illness and fails to disclose it truthfully before marriage registration, the other spouse may petition a court to annul the marriage. This request must be filed within one year of learning about the condition. Since 2003, a premarital medical exam has no longer been a mandatory prerequisite for obtaining a marriage certificate; participation remains entirely voluntary. Exact costs and availability depend on local policies, but the exam typically requires half a day to complete.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Undergoing a premarital medical exam: if a serious illness is present, it must be disclosed before marriage registration” to Future Me's calendar

There is no immediate alarm, so the sensible choice can wait for a less busy week.

Today I keep a little money, a few minutes and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-015
Evidence AmoneySource-sensitive

Calculating the cost of walking away: Divorce by mutual agreement requires a 30-day cooling-off period, while divorce via litigation has strict legal prerequisites.

算退出成本：协议离婚有 30 天冷静期，诉讼离婚有法定条件

Divorce by mutual consent isn’t finalized the moment the paperwork is signed. Within 30 days of filing the application, either spouse may withdraw it. After that window closes, both parties must appear in person within another 30 days to obtain the divorce certificate; failure to do so also counts as a withdrawal. If one spouse refuses to cooperate, the other must pursue litigation. Courts first attempt mediation; only when circumstances such as domestic violence, bigamy, or two years of separation persist without resolution will a divorce be granted.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Calculating the cost of walking away: Divorce by mutual agreement requires a 30-day cooling-off period, while divorce via litigation has strict legal prerequisites.” to Future Me's calendar

Future Me has a clearer calendar, more patience, and apparently the same responsibilities.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-016
Evidence Ctime-energy

Make a separate tally for the benefits to your elders when they get married — don’t mix it with your own records.

给「为长辈结婚」单独记一笔账，别和自己的账混在一起

The benefits your elders gain — peace of mind, social standing, and relief from marriage pressure — are very real. But they won’t automatically translate into better health outcomes or improved relationship quality for you. Meanwhile, the time costs, financial outlays, and exit costs all fall squarely on your shoulders. By drawing two columns on paper and assigning each benefit to the right party, you can instantly see whether this arrangement is worth it for you.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Make a separate tally for the benefits to your elders when they get married — don’t mix it with your own records.” to Future Me's calendar

If I do not open the notes, no new task has technically appeared.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-017
Evidence BlifespanSource-sensitive

Treating relationship quality as a health factor: focus on the issue, not the person — avoid insults and sarcasm

把关系好坏当成一笔健康账：吵架对事不对人，别骂人、别挖苦

Couples with a good relationship tend to be healthier and have a lower risk of mortality. This link is relatively weak — comparable to how diet affects health. In one experiment, wounds on partners who remained hostile during arguments healed at only 60% of the rate seen in couples who stayed calm.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Treating relationship quality as a health factor: focus on the issue, not the person — avoid insults and sarcasm” to Future Me's calendar

One more exception feels free because the bill arrives outside the current scene.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-018
Evidence AfreedomSource-sensitive

Same-sex partners should prepare a power of attorney, a voluntary guardianship agreement, and a will while both are still lucid: legally, you are not considered close relatives, so without these documents you’ll have no right to sign on behalf of each other or to inherit anything.

同性伴侣趁两个人都清醒，办好授权委托、意定监护和遗嘱：法律上你们不是近亲属，不办就没有签字权和继承权

Under the law, close relatives include spouses, parents, children, and siblings — partners do not qualify. If no paperwork is done beforehand, when one partner becomes seriously ill the other cannot make medical decisions for them, and upon death the surviving partner receives no inheritance. These three documents each serve a distinct purpose: the power of attorney covers everyday decisions while both are capable; the voluntary guardianship kicks in if one loses decision‑making ability; the will governs what happens after death.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Same-sex partners should prepare a power of attorney, a voluntary guardianship agreement, and a will while both are still lucid: legally, you are not considered close relatives, so without these documents you’ll have no right to sign on behalf of each other or to inherit anything.” to Future Me's calendar

I can spend longer deciding whether to start than the small action would take.

Today I keep a little money, a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-019
Evidence AmoneySource-sensitive

Don’t marry while hiding your sexual orientation, and don’t treat “marriage of convenience” as an easy shortcut: legally, it is a real marriage, and the only way out is divorce.

别靠隐瞒性取向结婚，也别把形婚当成省事的办法：法律上它就是一段真婚姻，想退出只能走离婚

Marrying while concealing one’s sexual orientation is not legally invalid, nor can it be annulled; the only way to end it is through divorce. A “marriage of convenience” is also a real marriage, so any income earned or debts incurred afterward are treated as joint marital property. When the deceived spouse files for divorce, they may request a larger share of assets and compensation for emotional distress, though whether the court will grant this remains uncertain.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “Don’t marry while hiding your sexual orientation, and don’t treat “marriage of convenience” as an easy shortcut: legally, it is a real marriage, and the only way out is divorce.” to Future Me's calendar

The routine already works until the day the source says it may not.

Today I keep a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off
10-020
Evidence Atime-energySource-sensitive

When a relationship is stuck in endless arguments and silent treatment, couples therapy can help — waiting alone rarely does

关系卡在反复吵架和冷战里，两个人一起去做伴侣治疗：干等着基本不会自己好

Couples who attend therapy together tend to report significantly higher relationship satisfaction — roughly 70% experience noticeable improvement. In contrast, couples who simply wait without any intervention show little to no change. However, these benefits tend to fade over time: after five years, about half of those who sought therapy still report clear gains, while roughly a quarter end up separated or divorced.

Open the low-ROI detour

Move “When a relationship is stuck in endless arguments and silent treatment, couples therapy can help — waiting alone rarely does” to Future Me's calendar

There is no immediate alarm, so the sensible choice can wait for a less busy week.

Today I keep a little money, a few minutes, a bit of persistence and avoid interrupting my default routine.

Read the source and trade-off

Source snapshot: a994b6a0c90598b0fe15cb837343f438dbf7b95d. Every original stays available in Chinese alongside the English edition.